


I'm on Fire

by onlythebestfandoms



Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, F/F, First Love, One Shot, SLC Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 13:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlythebestfandoms/pseuds/onlythebestfandoms
Summary: Ten years ago, Laura fell in love. Ten years ago, Laura got her heart broken. What happens when all of sudden her past won't stop following her?





	I'm on Fire

**Author's Note:**

  * For [itssmeghann](https://archiveofourown.org/users/itssmeghann/gifts), [Kerosene17](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kerosene17/gifts), [The entire incredibly awesome Carmilla fandom](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=The+entire+incredibly+awesome+Carmilla+fandom).



> So, the prompt that the esteemed Silas Library Club assigned to me last month during #keepcarmillaalive came from itssmeghann, who very generously gave me some leeway with her brilliant idea. Thanks, bud and thank you for the prompt! The idea, in a nutshell, was that Carmilla and Laura knew each other from school but lost touch. Later, Carmilla becomes a songwriter, using Laura as her inspiration, completely unbeknownst to our oblivious little journalist. Hopefully, I have done it justice.
> 
> I also have to give a huge thank you to Kerosene17, who so graciously allowed me to use one of their original songs for this fic. I'm am NOT a songwriter but the first time I heard this tune a few months ago, it hit something inside me, and when this prompt came up, it all just fit together so perfectly. V, you rock! No other words. So please take a listen to [Fire](https://soundcloud.com/vibre27/fire_v1) and... yeah. Enjoy.

_I see you through cloudy eyes_

_You’re bulletproof and on standby_

Her heart skipped a beat as the familiar tune touched her ears. That song.

She adjusted her earbuds and looked back at her laptop, attempting to focus on her notes for her upcoming piece in The Atlantic, and not on the fact that her fingertips were now trembling as they hovered above her keyboard. With one of the biggest elections in years just a month away, it was an article she was incredibly proud of and with it’s liberal readership in the tens of millions, this could make quite a splash in the voting pool. So it had to be good. It had to be perfect. And she needed to focus!

But it was no use.

The song, it had her in its clutches now. And every time she heard it, she couldn’t stop herself. She was immediately transported back to ten years earlier, eighteen and falling for the first and only girl she’d ever really wanted.

She curiously glanced up, looking around the little diner, unable to help herself. It was a habit she’d had for the last decade, and one she couldn’t seem to break, no matter how hard she tried. But nothing was different in the quaint little cafe in the middle of small-town Connecticut. Same checkered pattern covering the floor. Same red vinyl booths and silver high top tables scattered about. Same cheesy old, rusty edged tin signs amongst the (slightly) newer neon ones. Same familiar faces that always seemed to congregate here on a lonely Friday night.

But the one face she so desperately wanted to see was nowhere in sight.

It wasn’t the first place she’d seen the mysterious girl, but The Harborview Cafe was the first place she’d gotten the chance to actually talk to her. It was the place that she’d developed the all encompassing crush that would follow her around for the entire summer after graduation. It was the place, where standing in the parking lot after closing time under the halo of streetlamp, Laura Hollis had whispered for the first and only time that she was, indeed, in love with the Carmilla Karnstein, the other girl kissing her hard in response, and pulling her close as she breathed the words back into Laura’s ear, eyes hidden.

And it was the last place she saw her that humid Wednesday night, in the middle of August, when Carmilla had softly kissed her, lips smiling, hands cupping her jaw, and promised to see her the next day at the park, just like always.

_Except she never showed._

And when Laura called to ask if she was on her way, she was only met with an emotionless _“No”_ followed by a _“Just… just forget about it, okay?”_

Completely confused, Laura had called her no less than a dozen times after that before finally working up the nerve, two hours later, to drive over to Carmilla’s house, where the dark-haired girl had warned her never to go. Had made her promise with desperate tones and pleading eyes. And Laura had. She’d promised never to visit the dilapidated colonial, eyes wide and honest as she did.

The tiny brunette had marched up the cracked walkway and knocked on that menacing door, a few slivers of peeling gray paint raining down onto the tattered welcome mat as she pounded harder and harder. But no one had answered. And so, she’d called again. She’d called and texted and called and texted. Over and over again for the next week, her desperation increasing with each day that rolled past, her sadness crushing her with each hour that went by without a response.

_Where was she? Was she okay? Did she need help? And what had Laura done to warrant such behavior?_

She hadn’t gotten an answer until she’d caught sight of Carmilla’s older brother at the same cafe two weeks later, three days before she was set to leave for school, her Boston College acceptance letter having arrived months ago. It had taken all the courage she could muster to approach him, Carmilla’s warning of staying away from her house extending to her family as well. And when he confirmed, with hard eyes and a biting tone, that Carmilla was, in fact, gone, she’d felt it tear into her heart. She’d felt it violently churn her stomach. She’d felt the wave of hurt rush through every inch of her body, her legs just barely retaining the strength to hold her up. And for the first time, she’d realized that whatever they’d had that summer, it hadn’t meant nearly as much to Carmilla as it had meant to her. If it was so easy for Carmilla to walk away, she must not have cared. Laura was in love and now she was devastated that the girl she adored had simply vanished, never to speak to her again.

She’d tried to forget Camilla as the days rolled past. Then the months. Finally, years. And she was doing fairly well, happily living her life with great friends, an amazing job, and her sturdy rock, her dad, always there to help her up when she fell. Honestly, it had been so long since she’d even thought of Carmilla, that when all of a sudden, she was smacked in the face with thoughts of the girl, two months earlier, it reopened the wound that she thought had long ago healed.

_All because of this damn song._

She wasn’t sure what it was but it felt so familiar. So real. So personal. It felt like Carmilla.

And every time it floated, unexpectedly, through her earbuds, she was transported back, sitting in this very seat, Carmilla across from her smiling that sweet smile and flashing those amazing dark eyes as their hands clasped above the table, feet wrapped in each other’s below, so young and so incredibly in love.

* * *

**_Ten Years Earlier_ **

  _You see me at my worst_

_You’re coming through and you’re always first_

Laura twirled a battered yellow pencil between her fingers, another tightly gripped between her teeth, her attention anywhere but the chemistry book in front of her. She’d tried to refocus over and over, knowing she needed at least a ‘C’ on her final in three weeks in order to pass the course and graduate. But it was no good. Her mind was completely consumed with other thoughts. Or thoughts of one particular person. Of one particular girl.

_Carmilla._

She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her for an entire week now. And for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out why. She literally knew nothing about the girl except for her name. But there was something so incredibly intriguing about her that fully had Laura’s attention, unwilling to loosen it’s grasp.

With their biology project woefully behind for the semester (why had she pushed all of her required science classes to the end of her senior year?), and nothing better to do on a Friday night, she and her two partners had decided to make it a pizza and planning session to catch up, and make sure everything was in order for their upcoming presentation. Pulling up to the two story brick house, she tried not to giggle as Perry meticulously parked the car along the curb, double checking all of her mirrors before she killed the ignition.

_Typical Perry._

She reached into the backseat and grabbed her fraying green backpack before opening the door and hauling herself out of the little Mazda, closing the door behind her. She looked up, watching as the front door to the house opened and LaF stepped out onto the porch, waving at the two of them, a little more enthusiastic as they turned to Perry.

“Hey guys,” they called as the two made their way through the opening in the picket fence and up the walkway. “Just in time.”

“You’re just ready to get your science on,” Laura teased, giggling as LaF’s eyes widened ever so slightly in anticipation.

“Yes, sorry we are, in fact, two minutes late,” Perry said, checking her watch before standing a little taller, holding her books closer to her chest, eyes wide. “There was a detour on the way from Laura’s house. They’re finally fixing that treacherous pothole on Main.”

“Oh, yeah, well, I’m just glad you guys are here,” LaF said, rocking on the balls of their feet, eyes never leaving Perry’s face.

 _These two._ Laura huffed at the ridiculousness and turned away, trying to avoid the moment of extended eye contact. Looking around the neighborhood, she smiled wistfully. It was the typical sight for their small, blue-collared town. Older homes that were still well maintained, pristine lawns, and freshly painted fences. Well, all except for the one across the street from LaF’s house. She’d noticed how it stood out before, like a sore thumb, and had always wondered what the story behind it was. Something about it just took her away, pulling at her heartstrings and bringing her stomach a little further down than it should be. So sad and…

_Desolate._

She glanced over then, studying the structure for a long moment, looking no different than it had the last time she’d been to LaF’s. Same faded red paint. Same sagging roof. Same patchy lawn, some spots grown high, others bare.

Or at least it was no different up until five seconds later when the front door slammed open, the squeak in it’s eroding hinges somehow reaching her ears clear across the street. Shouting wafted out along with a dark-haired girl, stomping down the porch steps, obscenities and insults pouring out after her as she walked on, not stopping.

The girl… she looked so hurt and angry and… sad _. She looks so sad._

“Who is that, LaF?” Laura asked as she glanced back to her friends.

“Oh, that’s my neighbor, Carmilla,” LaF said as they looked over, their face falling as they did. “She um, she goes to our school.”

“I’ve never seen her before.”

“I don’t think she actually goes all that much.”

The trio turned and watched as more yelling came from the house, the sound a stark contrast to the serene little bubble that encompassed the quaint little street.

“Well, what is this?” Laura asked, quickly glancing back. “Should we… should we do something?”

“No. This is kind of a normal occurance,” LaF said sadly. “If it’s not her, it’s her brother. If it’s not one of them, it’s her sister. It’s just kind of a mess.”

“But-”

“Don’t, L. I’ve tried. It just… she’ll just get embarrassed and end up yelling at you,” LaF said, grabbing onto her shoulder to keep her from moving. “Her mom… it’s just not a good situation. So… let’s go inside so we don’t bother her.”

She watched Perry follow LaF into the house before turning back as she heard the door slam shut across the street. She watched the girl heave a solid kick at the already broken fence with her worn black boot, easily snapping a spindle before looking her way, fists tight, jaw clenched. Their eyes met for a long moment and it seemed to literally stop time. Laura swallowed hard, her feet glued in her blue Sketchers to the steps of the porch, heart hammering in her chest, breath quick. But then, with a violent shake of her head, the girl turned away and stormed down the street, never looking back.

Laura watched until she was out of sight, wanting so desperately to chase after her, but what would she say to someone who was a complete stranger? How could she possible help?

And now, a week later, staring blankly at her chemistry book, she couldn’t get the girl out of her mind. Her eyes, her obvious beauty, her blatant pain. She’d looked for her at school, but LaF was right. She didn’t seem to show up very much. Laura had thought she’d caught a glimpse of her near the library on Wednesday. But as soon as she turned back, whoever it was, was gone.

“Look, do you have the money or not?”

Laura looked up from her textbook, where she’d idly doodled a ladybug, the irritated tone catching her attention. She looked towards the front counter of the diner, the bored blonde cashier that she recognized from her geometry class the obvious source. But who was she talking to? A girl. A girl with dark hair, pulled back, exposing a long, pale neck. Black t-shirt. Tight jeans, hands shoved deep into her pockets as she bounced a little in her black Converse. It was the same girl.

_Carmilla!_

“Seriously. Do you have it or not? Because I’m not going to wait all day!”

“Yeah, I just…” Laura heard her grumble, and continued to watch the girl dig, her shoulders sagging a moment later in apparent defeat. “I did. There’s a hole in my pocket. I must’ve lost it,” she said, her voice was so quiet that Laura could barely make out the words.

“Well, no money, no shake.”

Laura watched Carmilla huff and turn to the side, her face a mixture of anger and embarrassment. And once again, she felt that deep ache.

But then, Laura did something. She did something stupid. She didn’t even realize she’d risen from her seat. She didn’t realize that she’d taken the few steps forward to land herself right behind the girl. She didn’t realize that she’d dug into her own pocket and pulled out the crisp five that her dad had given her just that morning.

“Can I… can I get that for you?”

_Oh god._

And she definitely didn’t mean to say anything. The words had just escaped her mouth, completely unhindered.

“What?” The gruffness in Carmilla’s voice made her jump but, when the other girl turned, eyes hard, Laura swallowed down her fear and nodded.

“I… if you want, I’d um… I’d like to buy you a shake?” she stumbled.

“Why?” Again, anger and disbelief laced her voice, fighting for dominance.

“I just… I want to.”

“I don’t need your pity, sweetheart,” she said, moving to walk past.

But then Laura did something even more stupid. She reached out and grabbed the girl’s wrist as she walked by. Carmilla turned on her, that same anger still there but now edged with confusion.

 _Oh god,_ Laura thought as she registered the incredibly warm, soft skin beneath her fingertips, unintentionally squeezing once before letting go.

“It’s not pity. It’s… I really would like to buy you a shake. No strings. No ulterior motive. I just… I just want to,” she shrugged, looking down, feeling the tips of her ears heat up.

“Give it,” the cashier said from behind Carmilla, snapping her fingers at Laura for the cash. And Laura swore she heard Carmilla growl as she rounded on the server, the anger now back in full force and aimed at the annoying girl loudly popping her gum behind the counter.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Did you just snap your fingers at her?”

“Look, whatever you two have going on, I’m not interested. I just want to get this over with so I can go back to not dealing with you.”

“You little-”

“It’s okay,” Laura cut in, moving forward and handing over the money. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Carmilla staring at her, brow furrowed, body rigid as if ready to snap at any moment.

Making quick change, the girl pushed the money across the counter towards Laura and a styrofoam cup to Carmilla.

Grabbing it up in a huff, Carmilla’s glare leveled back on the cashier, even as the blonde rolled her eyes and turned away, clearly done with the interaction.

And then, bouncing on her toes, hands nervously wringing in front of her, Laura did the stupidest thing of all.

“Do you um… or would you… like to sit with me?” _Oh god._

* * *

_I could stay out on my own_

_But I feel you and I am home_

_I’m on fire…_

That was how it all started. That breezy May night, three weeks before graduation, Laura doomed herself.

And like clockwork, every Friday night for the next three weeks, at seven-fifteen, Laura would be sitting there, at the same table when Carmilla would walk in. The dark-haired girl would casually look around, pretending she didn’t see Laura as she strolled to the counter in no hurry and counted out her change for a small strawberry shake. And a few minutes later, she would saunter over and sit across from Laura at the high top, coolly flopping into her seat like it was no big deal. Like that had been the plan all along.

After the initial and incredibly awkward first week, where Laura blathered on, fidgeting uncontrollably on her stool as Carmilla quietly sagged into hers, eyes hard and distrusting, things got a little easier. Slowly but she’d take the victory, regardless of the size.

During week two, Laura had offered Carmilla some of her fries when she’d caught her eyeing them, ears tipped pink as they always seemed to be around Carmilla, but the dark-haired girl had vehemently declined the offer. The third week, when Laura asked again, Carmilla had relented and eaten two, slowly savoring each bite as if she hadn’t eaten in days. The fourth Friday, they’d split everything down the middle, including Laura’s double cheeseburger with extra pickles. And Carmilla spent half the night actually smiling at her.

* * *

_Take my hand and slowly sway_

_Lights all die, please stay_

Laura quickly learned which topics were okay as they sat together those Friday nights. Music, books, music, where they wanted to travel, music (Carmilla really loved it), and which ones were absolutely, positively off limits. And item number one on that taboo list was anything having to do with Carmilla’s family.

Laura had steered clear of the subject up until week five when Carmilla’s brother had walked into the diner, eyeing them curiously as he did before shaking his head with a huff, and turning towards the counter to order. Carmilla had sat up a little taller, back rigid as she kept one eye on him and one on Laura. He didn’t approach them but as he moved to leave, greasy paper sack in hand, Laura distinctly heard him mutter ‘you’re not worth it’ under his breath. She watched as the words seemed to punch Carmilla in the gut, her eyes falling, heavy and beaten. Unable to help herself, Laura had tried to talk to her about it, pressing the family issue a little further than she should’ve, and immediately knew it was the wrong thing to do when Carmilla completely shut down. Pushing her shake aside, she refused to meet Laura’s eyes for the rest of the evening, even after Laura had exhausted every neutral topic she could think of.

She honestly wasn’t sure if Carmilla would show up the sixth week. The dark-haired girl had been avoiding her for the last seven days, not answering when she called and only texting back one word answers hours after Laura had tried to reach her. So when she walked into The Harborview Cafe at ten minutes after seven that Friday night in the middle of June, her heart stopped beating for a full ten seconds as her eyes landed on Carmilla, already there, sitting at their table, strawberry shake and a bacon cheeseburger in front of her, and on the other side, Laura’s go-to chocolate shake and a double.

She smiled softly as Carmilla finally looked up, her eyes sad but… _hopeful?_

Laura slowly made her way towards the table, her gaze never leaving Carmilla’s, even as the other girl nervously bit her full bottom lip.

“Hey,” she said, lifting her foot and nervously tapping the toe of her sandel against the faded checkered tiles as she stood alongside the table.

“Hey, cutie.”

Carmilla bashfully glanced down for a moment, a small lopsided smile forming on her lips. Looking back up, her soft eyes met Laura’s once again, and Laura had to swallow down the sudden urge to take that beautiful face in her hands and kiss Carmilla senseless.

“I uh… I got yours with extra pickles,” Carmilla mumbled, pointing to the other side of the table.

And that was the moment that her intrigue in Carmilla Karnstein became something very different.

* * *

_Darkness falls once more_

_Hear me say, I’m yours_

“You can’t do that!” Laura giggled, pushing Carmilla’s black checker back to its original spot on the board and mock glaring at the dark-haired girl in warning.

“Why not?” Carmilla teased, leaning back against the bottom of the couch, her smile playful, eyes mischievous.

“Because it’s cheating!”

Only seeing Carmilla on Friday nights simply wasn’t enough after six weeks. She wanted more. She needed more. So after their makeup dinner just three days ago, she’d worked up the courage to text the girl she had an enormous crush on and ask if she’d like to stop by the Hollis residence later that night. Sherman usually worked late on Mondays anyway in an attempt to catch up from the weekend backlog, so they’d have the house to themselves. And to her utter surprise and absolute delight, Carmilla had agreed.

So there they sat, on the floor of Laura’s living room in the middle of their second game of checkers, the carpet scratchy against their bare legs. The curtains gently billows in the soft breeze from the open window behind her and music quietly reverberated from the antiquated speakers sitting atop the television cabinet, the remnants of the double cheese pizza on the other end of the coffee table where Carmilla continued to pick at Laura’s leftover crusts.

“It’s only cheating if you get caught, cupcake.”

“You’re terrible,” she giggled again, smiling harder when Carmilla simply shrugged. But those intense dark eyes never left hers. And Laura found that little stomach flip thing happening. The same one that seemed to occur anytime Carmilla looked at her for more than a few seconds. And she found herself having to look away, the feelings within her chest threatening to overwhelm her.

“Um… I uh… I’m sorry the air conditioning isn’t working,” she rambled, staring down at the beige carpet beneath her and attempting to swallow her nerves. “Dad said he’d try to get around to it this weekend.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“You um… you want to go outside? It might be cooler,” she suggested, quickly looking up, eyes eager. Maybe if she wasn’t staring directly at Carmilla, if they just sat side by side, she wouldn’t try to kiss the other girl until her lungs ached for air.

“Sure.” Carmilla stood first and rounded the table, her hand reaching for Laura’s to pull the smaller girl up, their fingers lingering together a moment longer than necessary.

Laura led the way to the back porch, the old wooden glider that her dad had built for her mom years earlier still sitting there, the springs a little rusty but the methodic squeak that echoed with every forward rock was somehow soothing. They sat there in silence for a few long moments, only an inch or two between them, pushing their feet into the weathered deck to keep the momentum of the swing going. Laura looked out into the yard, watching the lightning bugs moving about, the crickets calming her further with their chirps. And next to her, Carmilla sagged just a little further into her seat, arm thrown across the back of the bench behind Laura’s shoulders, eyes towards the sky full of stars. The waxing crescent moon lended itself to the view, giving off just enough light to make out Carmilla’s flawless features, her smile soft, completely content in the moment. It was safe and easy. It was wonderful.

Laura closed her eyes, just for a moment, a small smile touching her lips as the rocking soothed her further. And when they finally fluttered open, she turned to see those intense dark eyes on her, waiting. Wanting.

She swallowed hard as her gaze flicked to Carmilla’s lips and back up, moving closer to the other girl as she did, unable to hold back any longer. Carmilla reached up, carefully brushing a few sticky strands of hair from her forehead before cupping her cheek as she leaned in. And when their lips finally met, Laura couldn’t help the relieved sigh she released. She figured that was what had caused Carmilla to gently chuckle against her lips, the vibration tickling and making her stomach flip.

Pulling back, a moment later Carmilla held her gaze once again, eyes softer, curious, and so beautiful.

“Laura, are you… are you sure?”

But Laura simply smiled and moved a hand to Carmilla’s waist, holding tight as she leaned in to kiss her again.

They didn’t stop until their ears picked up the sound of Sherman’s car crunching over the gravel driveway, an hour later.

* * *

_I could stay out on my own_

_But I feel you and I am home_

_I’m on fire…_

And that’s how it started. Saturday nights Laura would make her way to the record store around eight and pretend to peruse music she had no interest in buying, eyes coyly meeting Carmilla’s from behind the cash register every few minutes with a small smile until the other girl’s boss left for the night, and Laura would climb behind the counter and kiss the dark-haired girl until she gasped for breath. Monday nights, Carmilla would come by after her shift had ended and they’d spend the night on the back porch of the Hollis residence, wrapped in each other as beads of sweat collected on the backs of necks, the stagnant summer breeze not nearly enough to cool them down. Tuesdays were reserved for the movies, but they could only go to the cheap ones and Carmilla refused to let Laura buy her popcorn, but always pulled the smaller girl close as they slouched in the worn, sticky seats. Wednesdays were back to the cafe for a late night shake, hovered over the small table as they sipped. Thursdays were spent together at the park before Carmilla’s shift started, sun on their skin, smiles on their faces, and Carmilla would always leave Laura with a toe curling kiss, the smaller girl aching for more. And Friday nights started at the diner, sitting at their usual table, and ended with fogged, steamy glass in all the windows of Laura’s car at whatever secluded spot they’d found that night.

It was the most amazing summer of her life and no matter how much time she got with the girl, who was quickly stealing her heart, it was never enough. And as July ended and August began, she started to panic at what was just around the corner. College. Next steps. All far away from here. All far away from Carmilla.

“It’ll be okay, Laura,” Carmilla had mumbled one night as they lay half dressed in the back of Laura’s car, the cracked windows doing nothing to alleviate the heat within.

“But… I mean, if you end up going to New York… well, Carm, that’s like a five hour bus ride to Boston!”

“So I’ll immediately need to shower or you won’t kiss me?” she teased, making Laura giggle as she propped herself up on her elbow, head in her palm, staring down into Carmilla’s beautiful eyes. “I really do fucking hate the bus.”

“Well, once you make it as a big, fancy songwriter, you can buy a car. Or a plane! That’ll shave off some time on the commute.”

She smiled brightly, hoping to keep things light, but that sadness crept into Carmilla’s eyes again, her smile forced and small, making Laura’s heart ache. That sadness had been creeping in more and more lately, as the days grew shorter and the nights longer, though Laura didn’t understand why, and Carmilla simply brushed off her numerous attempts to find the answer.

She’d initially thought it was because Carmilla wasn’t interested in anything more than the summer together, as the hurt only seemed to appear when Laura mentioned anything about the future. And when she’d braved the topic one night, sitting atop the counter of the record store after closing, Carmilla standing between her legs, hands on her hips, the other girl had quickly reassured her that she didn’t just see Laura as a summer fling. That Laura meant so much more than that.

_But…_

It was there in the dark-haired girls eyes, every single time she whispered that she cared for Laura or that she wanted the tiny brunette or that she didn’t want to let the smaller girl go. The ‘but’ that followed those statements was never uttered aloud, despite the fact that it was clear as day in those big brown eyes.

And as they lay there in the back of Laura’s car, the ‘but’ lingered between them, unsaid and uncomfortable.

“What is it?” Laura asked, reaching up and brushing her thumb along Carmilla’s jaw.

“Boston’s going to be lucky to have you,” she answered quietly, reaching up and pushing a few sweaty strands of hair behind Laura’s ear, her fingertip tickling along the shell.

“Well, New York’s going to be lucky to have you,” she countered, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Laying back down, she rested her chin on Carmilla’s chest, eyes never leaving the ones above her.

They were quiet for a long moment, Carmilla’s fingertips lazily tracing across Laura’s features, almost as if she was trying to memorize every detail, down to the last freckle.

“I’m sure as hell going to miss you, Laura Hollis,” she finally whispered, but it sounded so much louder in Laura’s ears.

“No! No goodbyes yet!” she pleaded, eyes eager. “We still have a couple weeks together.”

“Okay,” Carmilla relentend, her throat bobbing softly as she swallowed. “No goodbyes yet.”

“Besides, they won’t be goodbyes. They’ll be more like ‘see you later’s,’” she said, her own fingers now tracing aimless patterns along Carmilla’s sternum.

Above her, a half smile pulled at the other girl’s lips as she closed her eyes, and settled back into the seat below her, hand still caressing Laura’s skin.

_So beautiful. So amazing. So warm and wonderful._

And Laura knew, right then and there, as she stared up at the dark-haired girl.

She was in love. She was in love with Carmilla Karnstein. And she never wanted to lose that feeling.

* * *

_I'm losing all control_

_You see into my soul_

Laura looked around the park, hoping for any sign of the dark-haired girl that she was so completely crazy for. Carmilla was late. Really late. Super duper late.

Laura, of course, had gotten to the park early, excited to spend the afternoon together. She’d been sitting on top of one of the picnic tables near the pavilion for close to twenty minutes, the sun shining down and warming her face as she closed her eyes and angled upwards, the breeze flowing through her hair.

“Hollis!”

She smiled at the familiar voice, opening her eyes as she located the source.

“Hey, Danny!”

Danny Lawrence. Her old math tutor. Her friend. The girl that she’d crushed on for years, those feelings only going away after someone else came along. Some who was far more than Danny ever could hope to be.

_Carmilla._

“Good to see you, Laur,” she said as she sat on the bench near Laura’s feet leaving them both at the same eye level due to their vast height differences. “I haven’t heard from you all summer.”

“Yeah, I uh… I’ve been kind of busy,” she blushed.

“Yeah, I heard,” Danny teased, lifting an eyebrow and making Laura giggle. “I’ve seen you guys around. What’s her name?”

“Carmilla. She’s…” But what could she say? Words would never do her feelings or the other girl justice.

“Well, you always seem super smiley around her, so I suppose that counts for something,” Danny shrugged and Laura simply nodded, smiling bashfully as she did. “Is she uh… or will she be going to Boston with you?”

“Um, no,” she admitted, sagging a little as she did. “She’s actually on her way to New York a few days after I leave.”

“Well, that’s not too far. You guys can totally make that work,” Danny said, enthusiastically patting her bare knee as she did.

“I really hope so.”

“She meeting you here today?”

“Yeah. She should be here any minute,” Laura nodded.

“Alright, well, I’m glad I got to see you before you left,” Danny said, removing her hand from Laura’s knee as she stood. “Call me after you get settled into your new world, okay? Smith’s not that far. Maybe we can meet for pie or something.”

And again, Laura simply nodded as Danny smiled once more before turning and walking back towards her friends.

They **could** make it work. They had to try. She’d just found Carmilla. She wasn’t ready to let her go.

She drummed her fingers along the splintered wood below her as she waited, smiling harder and harder at the thought of her and Carmilla, phone calls and emails and weekend visits. It wouldn’t be easy, but they could do it. What they had… it mattered. It was important and beautiful. And it was worth fighting for.

Looked around again, hoping to catch sight of the dark-haired girl anywhere in the park, she once again came up empty. Reaching for her phone, which was devoid of any missed messages, she quickly called the other girl, sighing in relief when she answered on the third ring.

“Hey, are you almost here?”

“No.” The even, emotionless tone in Carmilla’s voice immediately set her on edge and she felt her stomach drop uncomfortably.

“Well, are you… I mean, are you okay?”

“Just… just forget about it, okay?”

“Forget about what? Carm, what’s wrong?”

“Goodbye, Laura.”

“Carm, wait, I-” But Carmilla had already hung up. She immediately tried calling back, only to be sent straight to the dark-haired girl’s voicemail.

What was going on? What had happened? She tried again and again. And again. Sighing in frustration, body gripped with worry, she shoved her phone into the back pocket of her shorts, and headed towards the parking lot on the opposite side of the trees.

She didn’t stop to notice the breeze had suddenly fled, the air heavy, pushing down on her. She didn’t stop to notice that the smell of honeysuckle was gone, no longer wafting through the park as it did every other day. She didn’t stop to notice the unusual silence, no laughter or chirping or leaves rustling atop the trees.

And she definitely didn’t stop to notice the greasy paper sack with The Harborview Cafe logo on the side, thrown to the ground next to two milkshakes, spilling from their styrofoam containers, one chocolate and one strawberry.

* * *

**_Present_**

_I’m on fire…_

The song ended in her ears, the familiar feeling of longing pulling at her heart. And without even realizing what she was doing, she reached for her phone to replay the tune.

_Carmilla._

She’d never heard from her after that but… somehow, deep down, pushed behind a door that she had to keep locked, she was still so crazy about the girl.

She knew the Carmilla had gone to New York, just as she’d planned. Laura had tried to find her but as Carmilla had constantly bemoaned the use of social media during their summer together, it wasn’t like she could just look her up online. And one late night, November of her freshman year, she’d made her final attempt to reach out, calling Carmilla’s number one last time. And the deep voice that answered told her that he’d just obtained the a few weeks earlier. He had never heard of a Carmilla.

She’d lain in her tiny twin bed that night, huddled in a ball, her roommate already gone for the holidays, and cried herself to sleep, her heart completely and utterly shattered.

She’d forced herself to stop looking after that, working as hard as she could to get Carmilla out of her system. It hadn’t been easy, and apparently, hadn’t really worked at all.

With the song still lingering in her mind, she found that overpowering curiosity pulsing inside, begging for an answer. And for the first time in nearly a decade, she couldn’t deny it. Opening up a new browser window on her laptop, she quickly typed in the dark-haired girl’s name, trying not to get her hopes up, but feeling her heartbeat speed up to an alarming rate anyway.

And there she was…

_‘Carmilla Karnstein’_

_‘Carmilla Karnstein - amazing pianist’_

_‘Carmilla Karnstein - up and coming songwriter’_

_‘Carmilla Karnstein - music’s latest behind the scenes sensation’_

_‘Carmilla Karnstein - newest song an absolute hit’_

_‘Carmilla Karnstein…’_

_Even more beautiful than I remember,_ she thought as her fingertip traced along the edge of her screen.

She’d done it. She’d gone to New York and she’d made her dream come true, writing some of the most beautiful and incredible songs currently being produced, including the one currently pumping through her earbuds. It was…

_Amazing._

Smiling softly as the song ended once again, she moved the plug from her phone to her laptop and clicked on one of the newer audio articles, her heart stopping in her chest as she waited for it to load. And then, as it started beating again, she smiled hard, the voice that had lulled her into safety and comfort all those years ago finally meeting her ears after a decade of silence.

_“Carmilla Karnstein! Such a pleasure, thank you for agreeing to meet with us today!”_

_“Uh… yeah. Sure.”_

Laura immediately giggled, picturing Carmilla looking confused and uncomfortable.

_“Now, your song has taken off like… well, excuse the expression, but like fire,” the interviewer laughed._

_“Yeah, it’s apparently doing well,” Carmilla countered, slightly more poised._

_“So, can you go into a little more detail about how you wrote it? What you were inspired by?”_

_“It’s actually a really long story.”_

_“The short version then?”_

_“Um, okay,” she chuckled,_ and Laura could hear her voice soften just slightly as she continued. _“I um… I fell in love with the most incredible girl in the entire world. And I lost her because I was a stupid insecure kid. I messed up and it cost me what could’ve been the best thing I ever had.”_

_“So, there’s a girl out there who has no idea that this song was written because of her?”_

_“I doubt she knows. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in ten years.”_

_“Well, you say you lost her because you were a stupid insecure kid. Care to elaborate on that?”_

_“I uh… I listened to some people I shouldn’t have. People that had told me for years and years that I would never amount to anything and that wasn’t good enough. And she deserved the absolute best. That.. that wasn’t me.”_

_“Oh, that’s so sad.”_

_“Yeah. The… the last time I saw her, she was sitting with someone. Someone I’d seen her with before. Someone I knew would be able to give her what she deserved. So I walked away because I knew she wouldn’t.”_

_“So, do you know if she ended up with this person?”_

_“No, she didn’t. I uh…” she chuckled. “I finally joined the twenty-first century and am now officially on the social media bandwagon. I found her probably five years ago. She’s an incredible writer now and, as far as I know, still single.”_

_“Well, did you ever think to try and reach out to her? Explain yourself?”_

_“No. Even if it wasn’t for that moment of complete stupidity, she was an incredible girl. I hurt her and she didn’t deserve it. She deserves so much more than I could ever give her. She… she deserves the world.”_

The interviewer switched topics and continued to prattle on, but Laura wasn’t listening anymore. Her heart thudded loudly in her chest. Her breathing sped up. Goosebumps broke out along her arms despite the stifling heat in the cafe.

All these years, she’d thought that Carmilla didn’t feel the same. But how wrong she was. Carmilla had wanted her. Had cared about her. Carmilla had loved her.

Maybe… maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe she could reach out to her. Maybe she could explain and Carmilla could explain and… _maybe…_

She pulled one of her earbuds free with a smile and a soft giggle as she sagged a little onto the stool beneath her, spinning slightly as she rocked back and forth, the squeal of her seat competing with the cashier greeting a new customer at the counter to her left.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah. Bacon cheeseburger and a strawberry shake.”

_Oh god._

Her heart stopped in her chest as her breath caught in her throat. She knew that voice. She had become intimately familiar with that voice. She _loved that voice._

Turning on her stool, she swallowed hard at the sight of a girl standing at the counter. Dark hair, pulled back, exposing an elegant neck that she’d frequently buried herself in. Black tank top, exposing soft pale skin that she’d spent hours caressing. Tight jeans, accentuating every curve that she was intimately familiar with. And those same ratty, tatty black Converse.

She didn’t think. She didn’t pause. She slid off her stool, slowly walking towards the counter, her heart leaping into her throat as she opened her mouth.

“Can I… can I get that for you?”

The shoulders in front of her went rigid as the girl stood a little taller and, so achingly slow, turned, those amazing dark eyes meeting Laura’s for the first time in a decade. She felt the small smile touch her lips as the tips of her ears heated up in that familiar shade of pink.

“Hey, Carm.”

“Hey, cupcake.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading guys. I'll see you all in a couple of weeks for the last two chapters of Amnesia.
> 
> tumblr: dogsbeerandawesomeness


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